Evans' Naughty Book
by Squashes
Summary: Chaos, covert missions, and cutting remarks follow James Potter's wondrous discovery of Evans' rather colourful novel.
1. The Book

This chapter has officially been reviewed and edited. Older/Wiser Squashes approves and no longer grimaces at Chapter One.

.o&o.

"Shut the bloody hell up, Potter."

Lily wasn't normally one to break the morning's peaceful silence with curses, but for Potter, she nearly always made exceptions.

As usual, she arrived just as breakfast was being served, and as usual, some part of Potter Incorporated was present to disturb her meal. This horrific morning ritual never failed to occur; in fact, for most of the students at Hogwarts, breakfast wasn't officially a meal unless some sort of disturbance erupted due to a partisan of the Marauders grandly inconveniencing Lily Evans.

On this particular morning, James Potter, leanly muscled Quidditch Captain and ingenious mischief maker, had decided that he would bestow a blessing on the suffering soul of Lily Evans.

"Oh, come on, Evans. You know we'd make a great pair, with your eyes and my…well, there's really too much for me to be able to pin one particular characteristic, but in any case, I'm positive that our children will be beautiful." Hazel eyes sparkled at their master's wit, and Lily resisted the urge to throw the last vestiges of her pumpkin juice at her nemesis' smirking face. Instead, she gulped the rest down and stood up.

"I can only imagine the horror, and pray that there will never be any small Potters to terrorize the world. For the sake of the magical community, I do hope you're sterile."

Potter grinned, illogically pleased with the path of the conversation so far. "Not to worry, Evans. I'm sure that some form of birth control is available until you're good and ready stop making mad, passionate love on the kitchen table."

Lily grabbed her satchel and turned on her heel, deciding it was too early to continue such a conversation. The thought of ever making love to the grinning buffoon was horrendous and made her head hurt. Having experienced Potter-induced migraines before, Lily decided that this morning was going to be different. This morning, she could do without it.

But then her step slowed as her resolve to escape as the silent martyr weakened. She couldn't let Potter think that she agreed with the concept of sexual intercourse on a dirty table; in his deluded mind, he'd translate her stubborn silence as a hearty agreement. And that just wouldn't do. Lily racked her brain for some witty comment.

The usual whirlwind of thoughts swirled about her mind, a maelstrom of appointments and theories. Her striped stockings needed mending. Did an axe-murderer actually commit homicide with an axe? She had to oversee the Prefects' meeting at six…

Well, fine. Forget clever. She'd have to settle for something generally insulting.

"Never in anyone's worst nightmare, Potter, would anyone shag you. Anywhere," she threw over her shoulder as she continued towards freedom. It wasn't the best she could do, but it was early, and it was Potter.

James stared after her, offhandedly noticing how the sunlight filtering through the windows of the Great Hall flickered across her vibrant auburn hair, bringing the fieriest highlights out. When she disappeared from view, he put his head in his hands and sighed. Sirius recognized the symptoms and quickly nudged him. Let Prongs sigh once like that, and the rest of the day was devoted to moping. James moping, in Sirius' mind, equated to boredom. And boredom was more frightening than a seeing his mother bang a house elf.

Sirius nudged him with increased urgency. "Well, now. It appears that Evans isn't so innocent after all. She can talk the talk…but can she walk the walk?" Sirius executed the patented eyebrow-wiggle that always provoked a decent response.

James punched Sirius in the shoulder and scowled.

Sirius hid his panic as he implemented his eyebrow-wiggle once more.

Despite his attempts at righteous anger, James' mood visibly lightened as a grin stole across his features and disrupted his masculine scowl that he practiced on occasion in the mirror. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. All was well. The storm had passed. Boredom had been evaded.

"You aren't one to judge, Padfoot. I sincerely doubt that you walk the walk, either. Unless Erasmus Knapp's baby really was yours."

"Please. If any woman was lucky enough to bear my child, it would not resemble a garden gnome. Or the girl, for that matter. It would look like me. A small, brilliant Sirius-child. It would be a blessing to mankind."

"I don't know what's worse: looking like you or a garden gnome. And in my deep studies of the human psyche, I read that small children who are surrogates of their father have intense murderous desires to commit patricide. Which, considering who the father would be, I completely understand."

Remus, who had been distractedly shoving his porridge about as he studied his Runes chart, looked up and rolled his eyes. James Potter would never open a book unless he was force-fed a behavior altering potion.

"Speaking of books…" Sirius began, and he held up a leather-bound book titled _Love Regressed._ "I think the ravishing object of your affections left this. I suppose that means she really does hate you; she was in such a rush to get way from your hideous face that she forgot all about one of her precious books."

James eagerly grabbed the novel out of Sirius' hands. "I'll just return it to her, then. Show her how much of a gentleman I am."

This time it was Sirius who rolled his eyes.

"Right. Well, while you're busy raping Evans in some forgotten closet, I'm sure the book will come into use as a pillow."

James glared at his friend. "Any action I receive will be strictly consensual and won't be in a broom closet. Unlike you, I don't feel the need to hide in small, cramped, dusty rooms with locks."

Remus looked up from his homework. "Sort of makes you wonder exactly who Sirius is hiding with in those closets."

The only one left unscathed from the ensuing food fight was Peter, who had brilliantly scrambled under the table at the first sight of trouble. He was a simple man who loved Shepard's pie and sleep; whoever Sirius was hiding in the closets was none of his business. Peter sank lower under the table as surprised yelps rent the air while collateral damage was collected.

He reached for the pumpkin pasty he had dropped earlier that night and munched on the edge. No, he wasn't one for fighting, even if Sirius was gay.

.o&o.

Review? Twenty seconds or less! Whudda deal.


	2. Oh! So Naughty

Thanks ever so much for waiting such a long time for this update. I did have it done soon after the first chapter, but I was dissatisfied with it, and rewrote it twice. I hope you enjoy it, and know that it one week, I will have the third up. That chapter I am happy with, so...

Thank you to the following reviewers, who helped me through…something…well, the bottom line is, your loving care brought me back from…wherever I was…

Thanks to:

**Henrietta-thepseudonym**

**The Sheep Goddess**

**MoonMaiden**

**elise bentwin**

**Procrastinator-starting2moro**

**Sarah-Lily-Potter-Kavanagh**

**UnangelicHalo**

**WhiteCamellia**

And to those I couldn't thank by reply (or forgot to):

**JELLYBEAN**- I am so very thankful for your review, but…I do not think Sirius is gay. In fact, I think I noted it at the end…but thank you for your heartwarming response. And as for the fifth book gayness subject, well, I don't really believe that Remus and Sirius really had anything going on there except for a little brotherly love.

**Asdfjkl**- what an interesting name. Your laughter brought joy-filled tears to my eyes. Thank you.

**Katrine**- well, here's your update. I don't think that it's really 'soon', but I do what I can…

**Danni Evans**- Why, thank you! I like the term you used…juicy…and as for James and Lily's future endeavors…who said that that wasn't how Harry was conceived? Hehehe…

**MoonMaiden**- sexual innuendo is all I write, baby! Thanks for being such a faithful friend, even in the face of Sirius' homosexuality…

If I did not personally thank one of my lovely reviewers, please forgive me. Let me know (in another review, of course!) and I will be sure to give you double recognition. Kind of like Doublestuff Oreos, only without the icing and the cookie…

.o&o.

Lily hurried out of the Great Hall, feeling the weight of Potter's gaze as she did. She had barely gotten down her pumpkin juice before he had arrived…he was getting faster. She'd have to sacrifice sleep and speed up her consumption pace if she was to avoid talking to Potter about birthing devils again. That particular discussion could have caused involuntary vomiting if she had actually eaten something. She was lucky today; she had made it out with only a few scarring mental pictures.

She angrily tore at her toast, glad that she was at least free of James Potter for the morning. Most of the time, he was truly horrendous, odious and loathsome. But…truth be told, there were rare instances when there were flashes of an amiable and interesting person. It was times like those that Lily suspected that she was becoming senile. It seemed that the faster she ran from the ever pursuing James Potter, the closer he seemed to get to her.

And lately…well, suffice to say that Lily could no longer claim to honestly hate the wretched fool. This disturbing new revelation and Potter's uncanny ability to draw closer was more frightening than receiving all T's on her N.E.W.T.s.

She took a deep breath and cleared her mind of all things stressful (which all somehow led back to Potter) as she headed out to the school grounds. She was going to relax, read her book, pretend Potter didn't exist…With nearly an hour to spare before classes, Lily meandered towards the large tree that stood serenely by the lake. It was a beautiful day; the sky was blue and filled with serenading birds, and the morning mist had dissipated, leaving the air its cool touch. Lily sat down and leaned against the trunk, pensively gazing out onto the shimmering lake.

It was here that she felt most comfortable, most at peace. Granted, Potter Inc. gathered here often, but Lily wasn't about to avoid a lovely spot just because the Marauders had sat their saggy bums here occasionally. After a few moments of enjoying the tranquil environment, she reached into her satchel for her book. There wasn't a better place to read it than when surrounded by nature's quiet beauty. Her wistful attitude soon dissolved into irritation when her probing hand didn't grasp her hardcover.

"Where the hell did it go?" she growled after a few more minutes of fruitless searching.

Grunting with the effort, she yanked the heavy bag onto her lap and began searching with both hands. No amount of digging through parchments and moving around textbooks revealed her novel. Her frustration grew as she upended the many contents of her school bag onto the still-dewy grass. Going to her knees, she rapidly sifted through her belongings, but the book remained elusive.

"Bloody missing book…stupid bag…can't ever find anything in here…" Angrily muttering under her breath did not seem to turn it up either. Lily stood, her socks damp around the knee caps from the wet grass, and glared down at the soggy pile of school supplies.

"I hate you! Why did you have to go and ruin a perfectly good reading session by hiding my reading material! And yes, I do realize I am yelling at an inanimate heap of wet papers, but the only suspect here is…"

Lily stopped suddenly and rubbed her forehead. She truly was going mad. Next thing, she'll be accusing the cows and their hefty flatulence for the eroding environment. She sighed as she began reviewing the possible places she could have left it. She had read a bit in her bed last night, so she could've forgotten to put it back…but she remembered reading it this morning in the Great Hall, right before Potter arrived in all his abhorrent glory…

She stopped breathing. She had left it on the breakfast table…right next to the insatiably curious and mischievous Marauders. She was in such a hurry to get as far away as possible from Potter that she had forgotten it…her pulse increased tenfold and she slowed her breathing before she needed the assistance of a paper bag. It wasn't so bad, right? She could handle it. It was just Potter. Just Potter…

Lily tried to spot the bright side. After a few moments of wasting brain cells, she gave up. There was no silver lining in this rain cloud. Not only could Potter destroy her reputation, he could also use it to blackmail her.

If that was the case, she saw two inevitable options: go out with him (and she would rather bathe in chicken's feces than ever voluntarily accompany him to Hogsmeade) or assassinate him in his sleep and begin a new life under another alias. As tempting as it was, the second option seemed even less likely than the first. If Potter found that book, she knew he would read it, inquisitive prat he was. And then…and then he would know. He would know that Lily Evans was one of those girls…the ones that publicly rejected romance, but secretly reveled in it (In defense, Lily didn't necessarily revel in Potter's sort of obtrusive version of twisted romance, but when it came to a true romantic spirit…).

If his peanut-sized brain could somehow wrap itself around that, than his ardent pleas for a relationship with her would never end, and that might lead to the untimely death of a very distraught Lily Evans.

But hopefully (Lily began praying to all forms of deities she could think of), someone else might find it. Some one who was not Potter. With that thought, she made her way back towards the Great Hall.

Although Lily knew there was nothing wrong with reading highly volatile romance novels, she felt embarrassed that she did. It was a romance book, after all, and to an insensitive and crude person, it might seem that she was fulfilling certain…needs. Which was ridiculous, of course, but…part of the thrill of reading such a book came from the many clandestine affairs of muscular knights and voluptuous queens who were secretly making passionate love on the king's best bear rug. The vivid details alone were mortifying (although somehow quite delectable), and reading it was similar to running in on a couple who were intimately…involved. To imagine anyone else she knew being privy to those details that she found disgustingly enticing made her very uncomfortable.

She could see it now: GIRL READS NAUGHTY BOOK, HUMILIATION LEADS TO STUDENT'S SUCICIDE.

If someone, excluding Potter (she was trying to remain somewhat optimistic), read it…Lily flushed deeply, imagining a curious classmate picking it off the table and, before noticing her name scrawled inside the cover, beginning to read it. They would come across the first romantic scene within the first few pages; the author wasted no time in getting to the meat of the story. When they reached Enrique's suave seduction of Lady Scarlet, they would freeze in disgust and check the book for the name of its horribly perverted owner. When they come across hers, they will be astonished and delighted to know that their Head Girl read such twisted material. After showing everyone that had ever breathed air in Hogwarts, they would return it to her; smirking as she blushed a deep maroon…Lily shook her head as if to clear those appalling thoughts. If she was to find her book before someone else (she didn't even want to consider Potter yet; save the worst for last), she would have to run. Fast.

Halfway to the castle entrance, Lily realized that she had left her school bag underneath the lake tree. She mentally shrugged; the need of her romance novel was much higher than her innocent textbooks. Even if someone did take all of her things, she wouldn't care as long as she had her precious book back, safe in her hands. Finally reaching the Great Hall doors, Lily grabbed at the iron handle and pulled, trying to ignore the pain in her sides and calves. Maybe she should take up running again…

Inside the cavernous mess hall, a cursory scan of the tables revealed that the number of Gryffindors did not contain Potter. Not sure if this was necessarily a good sign, Lily hurried over to where she had sat that morning. No book lay on the table, waiting for her welcoming arms to envelop it.

She looked under the table, on the benches…her search proved fruitless. She even asked a few Slytherins to stand up just to make sure their greasy bums weren't on her book, but after getting more than a few dirty looks, she regretfully discontinued that endeavor. She soon discovered an easier prey, but was forced to give up interrogating first years after Professor McGonagall stiffly asked what she thought she was accomplishing by frightening the next generation into an early grave. Nearly thirty minutes later, Lily dejectedly left the Great Hall, leaving behind a mix of frightened and annoyed classmates. As she leaned against the hard stone wall, Lily finally accepted the hard truth, the terrifying reality that she had been religiously denying:

James bloody Potter had taken her book.

Only he would take something so personal, so private from her and not return it (Lily decided to ignore the obvious fact that there were other thieves besides Potter who would happily take her belongings and not return them). He would probably add it to his shrine; alongside uneven auburn hair clippings and wayward dirty socks …The only solution was to steal it back. Stealing was wrong, of course, but stealing it back? Technically, that wasn't even stealing. It was simply righting the wrong. Potter's wrong. How and when she would manage to pinch back something underneath the nose of the most conniving student in Hogwarts' history was not of consequence, just so that she got her book back.

Filled with righteous anger, determination, and only a small bit of trepidation, she bravely set off to retrieve the only evidence that Lily Evans, sensible and responsible Head Girl, read very, very naughty books.

.o&o.

I went to the doctor the other day, and to my horror, I was diagnosed with the terrible reviewophia. My life force will continue to drain away into nothing unless, by some miracle, my inbox is flooded with reviews. I shall die unless you save me. You can be a hero! You can! Just review…


	3. Of Irish Jigs and Sneaky Boys

See, I told you I had it ready! I actually did! I updated exactly a week (and a day…or two…) later. There's got to be some kind of reward…

Thank you to all my reviewers; I really appreciate everything, from critique to praise. Truly, you are the lifeblood of fan fiction.

Thanks to:

**UnangelicHalo**

**Me- Myself- And James**

**MissLinuxthePenguin**

**Aeta Aella**

**Moon Maiden**

**Lemon Lady**

**EmpressMLP**

**EastCoastHPgrl**

**Danni Evans**

**Henrietta-thepseudonym**

**elise bentwin**

**WhiteCamellia**

Again, if I didn't contact you in some fashion, let me know, and I'm sure we can work something out…

.o&o.

The Book called to him.

James could almost hear the faint cry of its longing; the Book's stubborn hope resounded clearly through the halls, prying at his heart with promises of rich secrets and glorious . He stopped asking his friends if they could hear it after Sirius threatened to suspend him above the entire population of Hogwarts in hot pink whitie-tighties.

He tried to ignore it, and successfully managed to pretend he wasn't dwelling on it all the way through Potions, Transfiguration, and Charms. N.E.W.T.s were coming up, and to prepare the unwilling students, the teachers decided that it would be best if they attempted to cram in more information than was humanly possible to retain.

This provided him an excellent opportunity to bury himself in work, or rather, watch everyone else bury themselves in work. James Potter rarely studied, and when he did, it was alone. The commotion of study periods was the opportune moment to perform less than legal jinxes on certain Slytherin gits. Besides, how could he possibly study with Peter breathing down his neck? And so he managed to keep his mind from fully dwelling on the tempting book until after supper.

Remus was playing Wizard's Chess with Sirius, and Peter was off somewhere, doubtless trying to remember how to urinate again. That left James alone in his mates' room (he decided it was best to avoid Lily at this point; she was a bright girl, and had surely pinpointed the borrower of her book. That meant staying out of his luxurious Head quarters until it the proper time to return it arrived…).

And so, he was alone. With the Book.

He sat on Frank Longbottom's bed (the cleanest of the five); absently watching the little names run about on the Marauder's Map, trying very hard to think about anything other than the Book. When presented with his usual choice of daydreaming, his thoughts of Lily quickly diverted themselves to his bane. James exerted all of his tenuous self-control into the rare effort of erasing any thought of Lily Evans.

Lily Evans. Lily Evans, Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Lily Evans, Love of His Life. Lily Evans, Improper Owner of the Book…

Finally, when the curiosity was almost physically paining him, James groaned and ran to his school bag. He almost ripped the satchel's top off in his eagerness and then stopped. He stared down at the precious item that had caused him so much turmoil in just one day.

He shouldn't read others' private materials without asking permission. He shouldn't even consider opening it. He had revised his ways; he no longer jinxed innocent bystanders and stole the professors' lecture notes…most of the time. Before James could logically and easily convince himself that he wasn't, in fact, the perfect example of a citizen, his mind nimbly leapt to the next best excuse. It was, after all, a love book, and James shouldn't even consider touching it if he wanted to maintain any semblance of his manhood, but…

But it was hers. He wanted so much to be a part of her and strived to know anything and everything remotely related to his fiery interest that the book was almost like a final puzzle piece that he desperately needed to complete the entire picture.

Of course, he'd never say such a banal thing out loud…After a moment more of considering the possible consequences of anyone discovering the fact that he was, in fact, reading a romance novel, he yanked the heavy tome out and held it up. Maybe he imagined it, but he could swear that there were strains of 'Alleluia' being sung by distant angels…

For some reason, James now felt as though he held the key to Lily Evan's heart, even if it was in the form of _Love Regressed._

.o&o.

Lily was frantic. All through her classes, she buried herself in the heavy workload doled out by the professors, trying to forget that the tool for her ultimate public humiliation was in the hands of one of the greatest pranksters in Hogwart's history. It wasn't easy. Even Professor Slughorn commented on her lack of attention.

"My dear, something must be bothering you greatly," he had said in a gentle tone, quickly charming away the dragon dung that had she had spilt down the front of his robes.

"Just clumsy, I guess…" Lily said in a strained voice. Professor Slughorn frowned at the lack of the usual cheeky reply.

Flustered, Lily stumbled though each of her classes. The day stretched out in an eternity as each class creeped by. Each time she spotted a book (which was often…), she was yet again distracted by her anxiety. She couldn't even concentrate on her work…

The third time a professor noted her lack of attention with concern, Lily bit back a scream of frustration. Could she not have an off day?! Was the great Lily Evans not permitted a moments rest from perfection?! Her face was set in a scowl nearly the entire day, and Lily suspected that she would have wrinkles to add to the long list of mental scars and burst blood vessels, all caused by the odious James Potter.

She almost fainted in relief when the last class of the day was dismissed by the bell. She had seen Potter prancing about all through their classes (Lily had unknowingly chosen the same profession as Potter; she was truly privileged enough to spend all her class time in the presence of someone so…grand…), but had not approached him. If she did, he would undoubtedly slowly and loudly read each dooming word from the most embarrassing scene he could find. She could just imagine the horror…she couldn't physically attack him and win, and any curse thrown his way would surely catch the eye of a disapproving authority…

The only way to resolve this problem was to secretly retrieve the book, and Lily had a feeling that it wasn't as simple as it sounded.

.o&o.

Sirius found James relaxing on his bed reading when he and Remus came up. He shook his head to clear his vision, but the scene before him did not change. James Potter, his loveable, mischievous prankster, was reading.

Always the mature one, Sirius swallowed his disgust and decided that he would be supportive of James' choices, even if he thought it was morally compromising. On the other side of him, Remus immediately resembled a bottled ray of sun, he was beaming so hard.

"Prongs! You're reading! Excellent! And what, may I ask, has you so entrapped in such a state of rapture?"

Oblivious to his two friends until that moment, James sat up quickly and snapped the book shut. He shoved it under his covers and then, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred, nonchalantly nodded hello to his two friends.

"Padfoot, Moony. Oh, just some light reading. Nothing of importance."

Sirius and Remus glanced at each other in disbelief. Light reading? James Potter? It was akin to Sirius taking up gardening. Unbelievable.

In a movement almost too fast to see, Sirius whipped out his wand and yelled, "_Petrificus Totalus_!"

James suddenly lay as rigid as a board; his eyes shooting out sparks of anger as Sirius gleefully ran up and grabbed the book beneath his covers. His expression of delight increased exponentially at the sight of the title.

"Mmm, light reading. I see. Well, if you don't mind, I might begin to do some myself…" Sirius pranced over to his own bed, but not before stowing James' wand away in his pockets. "Don't want any trouble now, Jamsie." He flashed a bright smile in the direction of the seething James, patting his pocket. Remus frowned.

"Padfoot…" he began, uncertain it was wise to leave James in such a state, even though it meant certain death when he was free. Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Moony. Let's be realistic. We're both curious, I have the book, and James is in a paralyzed state. It's perfect! But if I let him go, there's no way I'll ever get to see what's got his knickers in such a bunch. Enough with the sympathy, Moony. I know you're burning up with curiosity too, so let's just pretend he isn't here until we're finished with this special, special book, alright?"

Remus looked pained, but he nodded slowly. Sirius turned back to the book, a smug grin in place. There was nothing more powerful than the natural curiosity of man and the potential of blackmailing material. He was certain that Remus would sacrifice the temporary comfort of James for the sake of the greatest discovery in History of the Marauders. Well, that was pushing it, but this was right up there with the unearthing of McGonagall's secret cache of rum.

Giving first rights to Sirius as the buccaneer of the book, Remus climbed back onto his bed. He tried to read his own book, but he couldn't, not with James' fierce stare boring into his head. He sighed. He really wanted to know what James was so protective of, but that was no excuse to keep his best mate in an unrelentingly stiff position. After a moment more of a hesitation, he reluctantly muttered the counter curse. Not even a second later, James was up and running towards Sirius, murder in his eyes.

"Padfoot, give me that book!" he roared, and then he was flying.

Despite being tackled so roughly, Sirius nobly managed to kick his best mate in the crotch. He also managed to avoid James' fist after he recovered, but barely. It was only a matter of time before Injustice arrived at the scene and Sirius was under the pummeling fists of an enraged male whose family gems had been nearly damaged. Sirius valiantly struggled to keep the book out of his reach, desperate now. He'd never seen James fight for something so unfairly, and this excited him immensely. The harder he fought, the better this book must be. He had to know what was in it!

James suddenly leaped back, his wand in his hand. Sirius grinned in anticipation as he yanked out his own. To his horror, his hand only grasped air. With a feral smile, James withdrew a familiar-looking twelve-inch maple wand. At the look in his friend's eyes, Sirius held up his hands in a gesture of peace and slowly began backing up.

"Ah, come on mate, it was all fun and games! Never meant to jinx you…okay, so maybe I did, but still…"

"_Tarantallegra_!"

Sirius had all but made it to the window with his broom when his legs began to furiously tapping out an Irish jig that was quite popular in the late fourteen hundreds.

"_Accio book!"_

Despite his best efforts, Sirius felt the precious blackmail slipping out of his fingers, and found himself mildly upset. Not only was he dancing an absolutely ridiculous and tiring tap-dance, he also really wanted to know what was in that book.

"Prongs, that's just low. Come on, you don't really want to…" Seeing that the old friend route wasn't going to work, he tried another tactic. "If you run, I will find you and make your life utter living hell."

Not so creative, but at least he had a nice growling overtone to the threat. After a few seconds, Sirius felt that his time for fair punishment was past and his patience began to dwindle quickly. He saw James sling his large school bag onto his shoulder, taking his Invisibility Cloak and the Map to hide away his stupid book forever. He decided to try out another one when he saw James reach for the doorknob.

"Prongs, the next time you wake, you'll find yourself in the Slytherin Common Room, lying on top of Snivellus. Naked."

James hesitated, but a door slam later, he was gone.

Sirius felt the Crazy Legs curse lifting. He stood and gave Remus a menacing look.

"Why'd you let him go! I nearly died because of your pointless compassionate spirit! You let him escape with the only useful book in the history of man! I had it! I had the perfect blackmail! If we would-" he stopped mid-sentence.

Remus held up a green leather book with the words _Love Regressed _embossed in gold lettering. Sirius grinned, suddenly very pleased, and would have wagged his tail if he had one.

"How'd you do that! He had it the entire time! I saw…" Sirius' voice trailed off as Remus shook his head, smiling.

"I couldn't possibly let him get away with that; it was too good! I simply placed a Concealing charm on it while you two were having it out, and now…well, let's suffice to say he now carries with him the stimulating second edition of _101 Ways to Scratch a Wizard's Wand."_

Sirius gasped in indignation. "Hey! Hey, that's mi…oh…I mean…uh, never mind…" Sirius coughed gruffly and Remus' grin grew even larger.

"Somehow, I think that you'll manage for tonight…you're more creative than you give yourself credit for."

Sirius scowled at his giggling friend, muttering incoherently about werewolves and the violation of privacy rights. He trudged over to his bed and climbed in, directing one last glare at Remus. He made to draw the heavy curtain about the bed, but with a glance at the grinning Remus, he thought better of it. Enough ammunition had just been handed over to Remus for today. But there was always tomorrow night…

.o&o.

Writing is the only excuse I have for not being forced to mow the lawn. And feed the stupid poultry. And pick up sticks. And many other ridiculous chores. Review, and you give me even more reason to save my strength for week-by-week updates…


	4. Brandy for the Branded

You have my overwhelming gratitude:

**Sarah-Lily-Potter-Kavanagh**

**Sarah12345**

**Lemon Lady and Bird Boy**

**vegetarians will rule Earth**

**elise bentwin**

**Moony4Moony**

**Ieyre**

**Henrietta-thepseudonym**

**LBuccalo**

**WhiteCamellia**

**sugur-huny-bun**

**KASintonia**

**Procrastinator-starting2morro**

**good little grunge girl**

**UnangelicHalo**

**aDDleD.BraIn**

**scowlingpixie**

**GiddyGirlie**

**fearlesschick**

**Emily Blankenship**

**outkastx3-xox**

**m00nshine**

**ic**

.o&o.

James sauntered nonchalantly across the Gryffindor Common room, deftly hiding his much-coveted book in his cloak. No one would even suspect that he was trying to escape from the fury of Sirius and the curiosity of Remus. He was the king of rogues, ruler of thespians, emperor of trickery! James was quite positive that even his mother wouldn't know he was running off to hide.

Despite James' conviction of his superior acting skills, he was really furtively sneaking about, constantly glancing behind him at the boys' staircase. An amused quartet of girls paused in their chatter to watch as James skittishly shuffled from dark corner to dark corner.

"There he goes again…" one murmured fondly.

"It's sad, that's what it is," another girl sniffed with disdain while gazing longingly at his skulking bum.

"Does he really think we can't see him?" asked her neighbor in delighted disbelief.

"To be completely honest, I'm not quite sure I want to know what James Potter is thinking," piped in the fourth girl rebelliously as she continued to stare wistfully at his tall, shuffling form.

"Probably all about Lily Evans anyway," the first mumbled grumpily before turning back to her essay.

Wandering through the corridor, James absently ran his hand along the stone wall. Until he completed her book, he planned on avoiding any contact with Lily. While this was difficult for him, James was proud to admit he had a bit of self control. He could stay away from his fiery princess easily, no questions asked. He had lasted the entire summer, hadn't he?

Unfortunately, that also meant being blindingly absent for rounds tonight…James ruefully reasoned that Lily couldn't hate him anymore than she already did, so there wasn't any point in attempting to pretend he actually cared about catching snogging sixth-years in dusty broom closets.

Luckily for him, being Head Boy had quite a few benefits. It wasn't just sleeping one room down from Lily (James had calculated that he was approximately thirty and a half meters away from Lily's sleeping form when he laid directly in the middle of his bed), it was the freedom of the open road…corridor.

Since he was supposed to be making rounds anyway, Filch couldn't possibly persecute him for wandering the halls past curfew. He had just brought the cloak for reassurance in case he happened upon a certain furious red head…He made his way along the seventh floor and stopped in front of his favorite tapestry, the one with Barnabus the Barmy teaching trolls to dance the ballet.

He allowed himself a giggle at the familiar sight. Silly Barnabus, thinking a man could teach a troll to dance…everyone knew that it was a woman's touch that did the trick. Amidst titters, James suddenly remembered his true motive for visiting the abandoned wings. He reluctantly turned away from the tapestry to face the opposite wall. Long past feeling foolish, he quickly paced alongside the stark stone wall. He passed over the same section three times while concentrating hard on what he wished for.

_Someplace quiet to read her book, maybe a comfortable library, with a soft coach and lanterns…the lighting would create a perfect atmosphere for…no, concentrate. Book. Place to read. Book…_

The door, as expected, suddenly arrived (the Room of Requirement didn't appear, James mused offhandedly, it arrived. It wasn't at all sneaky) and James jumped towards it. Inside laid a comfortably lit room, complete with the ridiculous stereotypical 'blazing fireplace' (it was summer) and 'dark, heavy window drapes' (there weren't any windows). The walls had been transformed into tall bookcases, another classic assumption tied to the private library. In a bright epiphany, James searched for the brandy. There was always brandy.

After searching meticulously through the each of the mahogany cupboards, a disappointed James turned towards the book-covered walls in annoyance. It was a library, for Drindlewad's sake! It was absolutely absurd to have a library and not one drop of tasteful liquor. Complete ludicrous, that's what. Here was the crackling fire, the elegant yet dusty velvet hangings, the large collection of-

James stopped. What in the blazing hippogriffs was that? James grabbed a book off the shelf and stared in disbelief at the title.

_A Sack of Knuts_: a romantic classic written by Edwena C. Spencer, the title announced saucily. Well. Disgusted at the thought of a woman writing about…money, James bravely continued on to the back flap.

_In truth, Lisa has never been an ordinary witch. Incredibly talented for her young age, she quickly made it to the head position at magical London's foremost newspaper. Now, after being abandoned by her supposedly perfect fiancé for an assistant librarian, she meets Walter Drigglet. Tall, dark, and handsome, he fits her criteria for an exciting night out. But will he be that, or much, much more?_

James snorted. He'd bet his boxer-briefs that Walter would turn out to be more. It wasn't called a sack of nuts for nothing…

_Rich, lonely, and beautiful, she is the perfect target. Born a one-eyed Cyclops, Walt Drigglet has perfected the talent of loving, leaving, and thieving. Now a wealthy, wingless angel has fallen for him, and his opportunity to swindle away nearly ten thousand galleons has finally arrived. But can he do it? Or will he choose to follow the Light…the Light of Love? _

"The Light…I see the Light!" James sarcastically gasped. In a clever effort to display his absolute and unadulterated disgust at the book, he began performing it. "Oh, my! Ah, me! Look, a rosy-cheeked cherub! Shall we float up together to the beam of utter felicity, or shall I…" The Oscar-deserving actor paused as he flipped through the book. He resumed his theatric pose and began again. "Or shall I 'press my warm oral cavity to your supple loins'?"

"I never thought I'd hear Potter admit interest in placing any orifice near anyone's loins, but there's a first time for everything."

James froze. If he was not mistaken (and he rarely was in these instances), it sounded much like…

"Evans! What are you—how did you…I have no…but—" James stuttered as he continued his failing efforts to communicate. Turns out, it's rather difficult to form coherent sentences when facing down an angry, man-eating bull from Spain. Or a furious Lily Evans.

James personally preferred the carnivorous cow.

"I just came for my book, is all," Lily began slowly, a frightening smile replacing the livid expression on her face. "But instead, I find you, professing your longing to touch other men in very naughty manners while acting out a scene in a smutty book, surrounded by thousands of other smutty novels!"

With dismay, James looked around him. He was forced to admit that Lily was right. He _was_ in a library full of romantic works of fiction and he _had_ been reading a rather risqué scene between the once-cyclonic man and the wingless angel. He was practically a poster child for those unicorn-loving buffoons off in Edinburgh.

He had to desensitize himself before he actually started liking these things.

"Ah, here's my book." James swallowed a cry of consternation as Lily picked the green leather book up from the small table on which he had left it. She patted it lovingly before glaring fiercely at him. "Marking the good pages, are we? So you can humiliate me in multiple fashions in public areas? Potter, your cruelty is only surpassed by your immense studpidity."

James had the sudden realization that Lily really had no idea what was going on.

"Please. Let's not jump to hasty conclusions here. Let me explain what I was doing with—"

"With my book?" Lily viciously interrupted. "And stop patronizing me! I am not a child whose tears will finally be bated once you give me my lollypop! I am a very angry woman whose stolen article has just been recovered, and now I will serve up justice!"

"Young woman," James muttered before he could stop himself. He cursed silently in Russian, heavily dousing himself in naughty words that Sirius had taught him. Now was not the time to correct an enraged Lily Evans.

"What?"

Her anger forgotten for a moment, Lily's face scrunched up in confusion; James loved how her nose twisted to the side like that…and then his mouth opened without his consent and the words fell out…

"You labeled yourself a 'woman'. I do believe that you are either in the category of 'young woman' or 'pubescent girl'." Again, James cursed himself, this time in French.

Lily unveiled her familiar but frightening Death Glare. "I am too a woman! How dare you further degrade me – I have many attributes that characterize a woman…I'm a mature, considerate lady with numerous fine…well, look, I have breasts!"

James looked.

"Yes, I believe you do…" he murmured. After a bit of scrutiny, James was pleased to admit that Lily was very much a woman. Realizing he was staring, he looked up from the aforementioned asset and noticed how very red Lily's face was. Someone should really tell her it was not at all complimentary to her copper hued locks.

"That's not at all what I…this is all terribly embarrassing. Stop looking!"

"I was only doing as you asked…"

"Well, you can stop it now!"

James tore his eyes away and nonchalantly sank into the comfortable coach. "This is more interesting, anyways," he lied, reaching for _A Sack of Knuts_.

"Oh, you…you—" Lily sputtered angrily. James allowed himself to enjoy one of the few moments in history that Lily Evans was speechless, successfully ignoring the fact that it was because of her incredible anger at him.

"Charming devil? Handsome rogue?" he suggested lightly.

"Yes! I mean, no!"

"We should argue a bit more, don't you think? First you practically beg me to gaze at your bosom (which is lovely, by the way), and then you compliment me until I blush with pleasure! Oh, my dearest Lily, my heart is yours; you only have to say the word."

Still crimson with embarrassment, Lily put on a brave front as she glowered violently at the grinning James. "Trust me," she growled, "If I had your heart, I'd put it in a blender and feed the bloody remnants to the thestrals."

James grimaced; he didn't know what a blender was (it didn't sound pleasant or legal) and being fed to a thestral wasn't his idea of a romantic picnic.

"Right. Well, I understand these feelings are completely foreign to you, but I promise, they are normal. Faint flutter of the stomach and quickened pulse? That's the Potterophia in its most potent form; we've got to get you into my arms as soon as possible," diagnosed a wise James.

Lily apparently didn't agree, as she grabbed a book off the expansive shelves and threw it directly at James' shocked face.

"Ow! That _hurt_," James said in surprise as he clutched his cheek where a bruise was already beginning to blossom. He hadn't expected that.

"I hit you! I wasn't really trying to hit you…I'm sorry! Are you okay?" Lily asked frantically as James rubbed his smarting cheek. "I—I…You were supposed to duck! You're one of those Quidditch players! I didn't actually mean to…I am so sorry!"

James watched in growing amusement as Lily stood stammering apologies. Her slender hands had a habit of fluttering prettily about her neck when she grew flustered.

"I can't believe I did that…it was so—but you shouldn't have provoked me! Looking at me like that, and—and you stole my book!" Lily sounded triumphant, as if she had finally found a good enough reason for heaving _The Wizarding World Under the Covers: A Complete Guide To Acquiring a Lasting Magical Sex Life _(quite a hefty tome) at such an adorable and innocent male specimen.

At the mention of his supposed 'book thieving', James suddenly grew wary. So she _hadn't_ forgotten about the Book…he decided that the defensive route was the best way to approach this delicate subject.

"Bullocks! You left it on the table at breakfast! It was practically an invitation! You couldn't have shouted 'Take my book and learn how I burn for you' any louder! So don't pin this on me; I didn't nick it. I found it."

"And kept it! By finding something that, by rights, is not yours and not returning it, you did steal it! You took it and didn't give it back! And I do _not_ burn for you!" Lily had obviously forgotten her earlier prohibition on throwing books as she yanked one off the wall. "You. Stole. It!"

With each word, a book flew out of her hands at an incredible speed, flying true to their target: James. He was immensely grateful for the hours of practice he had put into Quidditch; the books were much like Bludgers, only with sharp corners. He was sure he looked the idiot, dancing around jerkily like a puppet on strings, but it worked. Lily stopped her attack, and James relaxed.

_Now, approach her like you would a skittish griffin…_

"Evans, I think it would be best if you calmed down a bit. Do you--" James ducked as another hardback hurtled his way. Spying the Book where she had dropped it, James quickly snatched it up and, giving up all hope of stopping the mad woman, he dived behind the coach. "Evans, you really are being unreasonable," he shouted from his position of safety as another heavy volume crashed into his barrier. "You can't get me here."

James heard a curious thump followed by a strange pitter-pattering noise and, being the daring fellow he was, poked his head above the coach. Just before Lily vaulted over the coach to leap on him, he realized that the thump was Lily releasing her hold on yet another book, and the pitter patter the sound of her feet as she ran towards the cornered James with murder in her eyes. By then, he only had time for his eyes to widen and his mouth to hang open before impact. It followed nearly a second later.

Red and raven hair mingled as James struggled to get up from under the pummeling fists of fury, gladly serviced by Lily Evans.

"Bloody prick!"

"Mad whore!"

"Sodding prat!"

"Senile slag!"

"Dirty git!"

James had to admit, he was impressed at the flow of foul curses the leapt from Lily's luscious lips. He even learned some new ones as he continued to tussle about with Lily, who was holding her own gorgeously. Sirius would never believe that Lily had forced him to wrestle for the top, he thought wryly as he blocked yet another blow to his face.

"Get off me!" James ground out, attempting to grab hold of Lily's flailing limbs.

"Give me my book!" she retorted, somehow avoiding his grasping hands and still inflicting pain.

"Get off me first!" James shouted.

Lily kneed him in the groin.

_Guess that's a no_, thought James sourly just before a blinding pain burst through his psyche and decimated all brainpower.

James crumpled, the fight out of him as he clutched himself in agony. The intense pain faded a bit as he rolled about on the floor, but it still ached terribly when he opened his eyes to glare at a standing Lily. All thoughts of Lily's gender and his love for her flew out of his mind as a brain-numbing anger consumed him. No one hurt the family jewels and got away with it. No one.

"Ow. That. Hurt," was all James growled before tackling Lily. Each movement was painful for him, but he ignored it. Lily thrashed wildly beneath his body, but four years of Quidditch had hardened him. He gripped Lily's hands and pushed her arms down beside her head.

"Stop moving," he snarled angrily. Lily became still, but her glare was no less intense.

"Why, so you can rape me? Hit me? Potter, you're despicable. Go ahead, do it. Do your worse. Because in the end, I know I'm the better."

It was as if a light had been switched on. He blinked. What was he doing? Why was he on top of her? James leaped up from Lily, his heart ripping in guilt. Why had he done that? This was Lily, not some insolent boy stupid enough to pull an underhanded move.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I don't know what—I'm sorry…" He held out his hand to help her up, but Lily ignored it as he knew she would. He didn't even deserve to look at her.

"What you did, it was dreadful and horrible and cruel." James hung his head, the heavy weight of guilt too much of a burden to even hold his head up. "And even though there is no excuse for tackling a lady, I think…I think it all got a bit out of hand, and that most of it is..." Lily paused and took a deep breath. James dared to look up at her. She brushed her hair behind her ears, a nervous habit of hers. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have thrown books at you, shouldn't have tackled you, shouldn't have hurt you there." Lily gestured towards James' pants. "I just shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

James was gob-smacked. She was sorry? He had taken her book; he had _tackled_ her, for Merlin's sake! And she was _sorry_? He didn't deserve this.

"No, Lily, really. I am a complete pillock who is worthy of your everlasting abhorrence, not your apologies. So you threw books at me, beat me senseless, and then decided to ruin any chance of me ever fathering a child while you were at it…it's my fault I was thrashed by a girl."

At James' grin, Lily returned with her own timid smile. He picked up her book from behind the coach and, with only the slightest bit of hesitation, handed it to her.

"I believe this belongs to you." He presented his treasure to her, gallantly bowing.

"Thank you, Potter." Lily gave him that bright smile of hers, and he felt his heart soar. Bugger his future children; if every fight turned out like this, he was glad she had pummeled him. Sure, he would be brilliantly sore in the morning, but it wasn't unlike a brutal Quidditch match…

"Is this some sort of sick joke?" Lily asked incredulously, her book open in her hands.

His flying heart was wrenched from the sky, its wings suddenly ripped off as it struggled to remain aloft with its bloody remnants. "Do what?" he asked slowly, dreading what would follow.

"You pretend you have my book and replace it with this rubbish, just so you can have a laugh?" Lily turned on him; anger her sharp sword of doom. "Do you enjoy seeing my hopes rise, only to trample on them? Do you? Well, I'm glad to see that you've had your entertainment now; the joke's over, your friends can come out and laugh. Look at silly Evans, to think that we'd actually be kind and compassionate human beings and return her belongings. Har, har, har."

"_What_?" James asked in confusion, his trepidation growing by the second.

"Oh, spare me, Potter! It's over! You got me! You actually fooled me into thinking you had a bit of decency. Just give me my book and I'll leave you in peace forever."

_That's not what I want!_

"But…but you have your book! I just gave it to you!" When Lily's fierce scowl didn't dissipate, James pointed to the green novel and said desperately, "See! Right there! You have it! In your hands!"

"Oh, so _this_ is my book! I would've never guessed, the words being different and all!" Lily snarled sarcastically.

"The words?" James echoed incomprehensively.

"Stop being such a parrot! Yes, the words! The very different and intimately more sexual words!" At James' continued state of puzzlement, Lily growled in frustration and shoved the open book into his hands. "Read it, as if you don't know what I'm talking about."

James blinked, his stomach twisting in knots as he obediently began to read.

_In order to procure_—James stopped in complete shock. What!

He bent his head closer in disbelief as if to prove that yes, he really was reading _In order to procure the utmost amount of pleasure, one should first place…_James froze in horror as each event quickly clicked in place. The find, the fight, the escape…no wonder his fellow Marauders hadn't chased after him! He frantically flipped to the inside of the front cover and confirmed his worst fears. Only Sirius would write his name on the inside of a dirty how-to guide.

"That bloody wanker!"

.o&o.

So, there. The fourth chapter is finally complete (and hopefully a lot better than it was previously). I'm so terribly sorry to keep the suspense up (What will James do? What will Lily do? Will Remus and Sirius finish reading the Book? Can Sirius actually read a book? Does Santa Claus have a sauna?), but you know how it is…

I will truly, truly, truly try my best (I've even got accountability partners set up!) to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. To make that happen faster, well…I found a bushel of baby bunnies in my backyard (alliteration, anyone?) and will give one to anyone who reviews. Cyber-like, of course. If that doesn't work for you, I also have a gun.


	5. A Champion of Truth and Justice

This chappie is a bit different from the rest, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. Another one is on its heels, but (unfortunately) I can't promise anything, being so naturally dilatory and all. Wish I was a robot. Then I could get these done like that.

As always, thank you to those who take the small amount of time to review. It means a lot.

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Where we last left off…

James bent his head closer in disbelief as if to prove that yes, he really was reading _In order to procure the utmost amount of pleasure, one should first place…_James froze in horror as each event quickly clicked in place. The find, the fight, the escape…no wonder his fellow Marauders hadn't chased after him! He frantically flipped to the inside of the front cover and confirmed his worst fears. Only Sirius would write his name on the inside of a dirty how-to guide.

"That bloody wanker!"

.o&o.

_The Great Compromise_

_Penned by Ms. Lily Evans' Quick Quill, dictated by Mr. James Potter and Ms. Lily Evans_

_1) The Book, one _Love Regressed_, shall not be touched, read, and/or fondled by Mr. Potter unless it is in transit to the hands of its rightful owner, Ms. Evans_

_a. Mr. Potter would like to add that he would never do such a dirty thing as fondle a book. He prefers living flesh._

_b. Ms. Evans is of the opinion that Mr. Potter resembles the firecrab feces that currently soils her favorite pair of shoes. _

_c. Mr. Potter suggests that Ms. Evans really should try to get along with him, as he is the key to the return of her book. And her chastity belt._

_2) Any arguments, disagreements, and general negative conduct shall be postponed until aforementioned novel is recovered_

_a. Ms. Evans finds this rule quite improbable, as she cannot possible work with such a pig as Potter without later reeking of swine._

_b. Mr. Potter asserts that Ms. Evans has just violated the Great Compromise's second rule, and therefore, as punishment, shall be locked in Mr. Potter's quarters._

_c. Ms. Evans claims that her comment is of no regard, as the Rules have not yet been signed or completed, making Mr. Potter's punishment void. Just like his mind._

_d. Mr. Potter is a bit miffed by the obstinate and recalcitrant behavior of Ms. Evans, and he fears that Ms. Evans is incapable of working with anyone who isn't her._

_e. Ms. Evans is inclined to strongly disagree with Mr. Potter and encourages his focus to remain on the acquiring of the item in need. _

_3) Both parties will work tirelessly to recapture the Book, even if it means the committing of immoral acts, such as lying to authorities, fellow classmates, and family, defamation of others' character, theft of necessary items from professors' hidden hordes, and having intercourse with said teachers to prevent them from noticing the lack of necessary items from their hidden hordes _

_a. Ms. Evans proclaims her disgust at such perverse disrespect._

_b. Mr. Potter opines that the third rule should not be difficult for him, but he worries that Ms. Evans will later be charged with breaking the set Rules, as she is a goody-too-shoes. _

_c. Ms. Evans declares that Mr. Potter is a chauvinistic pig, and that it is absurd that he is proud of giving up his eternal soul for a few moments of immediate gratification. _

_d. Mr. Potter replies that he likes immediate gratification very much, thank you, and that he feels better when he can actually see the reward he reaps after all his hard work, rather than realizing ten years too late that all he got for slaving maniacally away at ridiculous assignments for seven years was a dusty cubicle and a few free drinks down at the pub._

_e. Ms. Evans wonders if those rewards could be the multiple rashes and/or erupting boils on the bodies of Mr. Potter's broomcloset witches. Or wizards._

_f. Mr. Potter speculates that Ms. Evans hasn't even seen the inside of a broom closet, and that her current position on the matter will remain as it is for the rest of her lonely, bitter life._

_g. Ms. Evans is reluctant to remind Mr. Potter that it was not she whom spewed the deepest desire to touch other men, but feels that it is necessary at this point in time._

_4) The sight of Mr. Potter performing a flamboyant romantic scene from one of the many scandalous books that surrounded him will forever be sealed behind the lips of Ms. Evans' mouth_

_a. Ms. Evans claims that it doesn't matter; there's only so much time before the rest of the wizarding community discovers that Mr. Potter is frolicking on the other side of the rainbow._

_b. Mr. Potter brings up the fact that it is Ms. Evans that owns a novel of pornographic proportions, which she reads at night._

_c. Ms. Evans protests that the novel was a gift and that she is obligated to complete it._

_d. Mr. Potter remarks that no doubt Ms. Evans reads the book with her arms under the covers, despite the difficulty this creates when the need arises to turn the well-worn pages._

_5) No mention of the existence or content of Ms. Evans' book will be made by Mr. Potter; if someone makes a query about, he is to promptly see to the problem_

_a. Mr. Potter is assuming that Ms. Evans is suggesting that he hex/murder/have intercourse with the said questioner._

_b. Ms. Evans once again proclaims her disgust at Mr. Potter's iniquitous being and states that she refuses to continue the drafting of the Great Compromise until her partner acquires manners that are better than a raging chimpanzee's. _

_c. Mr. Potter was not aware that they were partners; he puts into question his current benefit plan, and stresses that it should include the company of the perpetually pleasant Ms. Evans, and wonders if she, as his partner, will be sleeping in the same bunk as he. _

_6) There will be no physical contact between Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans unless it is in the form of assisting the other, and only when the other is in dire need of such help_

_a. Mr. Potter is led to believe that assisting Ms. Evans into his arms is perfectly legal. _

_b. Ms. Evans would like to point out that she has no terrible need to contract a deadly disease, and that Mr. Potter's constant come-ons are really quite tiresome._

_c. Mr. Potter asks if Ms. Evans is aware that she is being followed around by a large, black, angry cloud. _

_7) Conversation between the two accomplices is limited to the current whereabouts of the Book, the present location of the Book's thieves, the best plan of action, and any other miscellaneous details that pertain only to the return of the Book_

_a. Mr. Potter submits a request that this rule be excluded for reasons he cannot at this time disclose. _

_b. Ms. Evans will consider, but only if Mr. Potter has a valid cause for his plea._

_c. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule for religious purposes._

_d. Ms. Evans scoffs at this ridiculous attempt at an excuse; if, horror upon horror, Mr. Potter ever produced children, they'd have hooves._

_e. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule for personal reasons._

_f. Ms. Evans is beginning to become inclined to the rejection of this request on the grounds of disestablished blitherings. _

_g. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule due to certain hygienic intent._

_h. Ms. Evans begins to tire of such paltry excuses and demands that Mr. Potter reveal the true source of his adamant refusal._

_i. Mr. Potter resignedly announces that he sees no point in reducing the conversation between them to such a provincial list. He continues on to say that Ms. Evans may unknowingly break the set law, hyperventilate, and become catatonic. _

_j. Ms. Evans will do no such thing, and does not see why Mr. Potter would even care._

_k. Mr. Potter is now concerned that Ms. Evans does not believe that he has her best interest in mind._

_l. Ms. Evans never thought Mr. Potter to be so bright._

_m. Mr. Potter remains against the addition of this rule, and feels that if the need arises, he shall be forced to break it._

_n. Ms. Evans assures Mr. Potter that the need to speak to her about anything that does not pertain to the current situation will not ever arise._

_o. Mr. Potter is of the mind to remain optimistic._

_8) In the event that any part of the Great Compromise is broken without the mutual consent of both parties, the punishment will be severe._

_a. Mr. Potter finds this statement ominous but very, very vague._

_b. Ms. Evans promises him that the consequences will remain with him all his piteous existence._

_c. Again, Mr. Potter finds this statement ominous but very, very vague. _

_d. Ms. Evans is of the opinion that Mr. Potter should use his imagination and consider the loss of all that is dear to him._

_e. Mr. Potter wonders if he will have to repeat himself again._

_f. Ms. Evans declares that working with Mr. Potter is much like trying to fit a square block into a round hole, and that his punishment will be to daily confess his nastiest thoughts to the Professor McGonagall._

_g. Mr. Potter is aghast at the devilish mind that is contained in Ms. Evan's lovely cranium but questions how she will successfully enforce this sentence on him._

_h. Ms. Evans reminds Mr. Potter that she excels at Charms._

_i. Mr. Potter reminds Ms. Evans that he excels at everything._

_j. Ms. Evans revises her first statement. Working with Mr. Potter is worse than a square block and round hole; it is akin to rubbing one's hand across a cheese grater._

_k. Mr. Potter has decided to take over the reigns of rule-making due to Ms. Evans' violent and somewhat unstable mind._

_l. Ms. Evans claims that Mr. Potter's ridiculous behavior has driven her to that, and she is not at fault for anything said or done in his presence._

_m. Mr. Potter hesitatingly recommends that the punishment for breaking the law be left in the hands of the other collaborator._

_n. Ms. Evans is surprised to find herself agreeing with Mr. Potter. _

_o. Mr. Potter enquires if it would be presumptuous to assume that Ms. Evans would also agree to a date._

_p. Ms. Evans suggests that all possible rules have been established, and that it would be best to sign the document._

_q. Mr. Potter asserts that he hadn't pinned Ms. Evans for a coward._

_r. Ms. Evans strongly suggests that the document be signed immediately._

_s. Mr. Potter is still waiting for an answer._

_t. Ms. Evans believes that it would be in Mr. Potter's best interest to sign the bloody paper before she does something she will have to find an alibi for._

_u. Mr. Potter would like to excitedly point out that they've finally made it to the letter 'u'._

_v. Ms. Evans doesn't want to lie in court._

_w. Mr. Potter is very pleased; they are to 'w'!_

_x. Ms. Evans refuses to continue this discussion with such a buffoon._

_y_. '_Y'! 'Y'! 'Y'!_

_z. Ms. Evans is finished. She is signing, and no, she won't go out with Mr. Potter._

_aa. Mr. Potter is nearly beside himself; he didn't realize that a double 'a' existed._

_ab. Ms. Evans demands that Mr. Potter stop this foolishness immediately, as this document was supposed to look official. Now it just looks officially ridiculous with all these barmy doubles._

_ac. Mr. Potter is of the opinion that he doesn't want it to stop. _

_ad. Ms. Evans verbalizes her strong feelings at this time and demands that Mr. Potter cross out these nonsensical comments instantly._

_ae. Mr. Potter asserts that it is Ms. Evans' Quick Quill; she should stop it. He also wisely points out that crossing it out would ruin the official appearance of this formal manuscript._

_af. Ms. Evans readily ignores Mr. Potter's comments and reaches for the delightful Quick Qui-_

I agree with all above rules and regulations and shall follow them, or suffer the consequences.

Lillian S. Evans, Slayer of Prats

James G. Potter, Casanova of Flowers

.o&o.

In the next chapter, Remus and Sirius discover just how vivid descriptions can be and how to deal with the resulting blindness. Braille, anyone? And as always, please let me know if there are any grammatical errors and so on (like, is this format difficult to read?).

I've hatched myself a batch of baby Sasquatches. They are easily provoked. I am easily provoked. You know the drill.


End file.
